How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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