The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
