Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize