i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
two words...techno handjob
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
