oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
