I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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