How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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