Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
The uberlube is also flammable
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
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