The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
