that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Banned from zoo.
Again?
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
