I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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