I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
