I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
