If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
