apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
