she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
my poor anus
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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