My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
there is glitter all over my balls
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