At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
