don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
