and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Randomize
