can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
