my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Randomize
