one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I FOUND THE LEGS
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
