plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize