No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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