Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize