I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Randomize
