My friends, they love my intelligence
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
