She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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