we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
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