Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize