I just saw a hot homeless man
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
