So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I am midnight drunk by noon
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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