He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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