Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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