I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
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