Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
