Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
