I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
people are starting to question the shark bite story
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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