I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
