I cannot find my penis.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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