I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
