Kiss
Puke
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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