I cannot find my penis.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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