There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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