I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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