Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Randomize
