watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
