I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
