better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
