So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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