He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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