Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize