i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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