if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
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