Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
