my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
